fidgetspin

I freaking want this dress right now, in pretty much every single color.
The signature jersey, but I'll settle for the satin.
Ok?  Ok.  kthanxbye.
http://www.shopbutterbynadia.com/

Dear England,
On behalf of my ancestors (in a broad sense, at least, because my biological ancestors didn't actually immigrate to the US until the 1800s), I just want to say I'm sorry we were so uppity and dumped all your tea into the Boston Harbor.  It was really childish and not very nice and I jut wanted to apologize.  As you can see, we've done a fine job of breeding ever more fucktards in your absence, but if it weren't for the terrifying levels of obesity, we're a pretty attractive bunch of fucktards on the whole.  You, on the otherhand, seem to have a decent stock of average to highly intelligent citizens that are fucking ugly.  I would therefore like to propose you take us over once again as we can't run a government worth shit but can definitely help with the in-breeding of uggos if you can manage to get us to eat better.  We are willing to submit to the queen and her metric system but not your drive-on-the-left thing because you're the only ones that do it and we both know it's bullshit.
Think it over.

was suck.  Super suck.  An abortion, and not one of those good, clean abortions that leaves everyone happy with the former mother able to go back to middle school like nothing ever happened.  I was physically unable to silence my objections in the theater.  It. Was. Just. Fucking. Awful.  There are lots of reasons I couldn't contain my groans, sighs, eyerolls, phbbts, and "come on!"s, but these are some of the most offensive, starting with the obvious.
-Script.  Phbbt.  Awful.  Contrived.  Boring.  Long-winded but little said.  Dumb jokes that made me embarrassed for the writers and actors. 
-Plot.  It was a late showing and a long, boring sequel to a movie and hadn't liked or paid much attention to in the first place, but it seemed to be lacking plot.  The two attractive people are still together from the first movie but then he makes out with a robot so she's mad at him but then she isn't because he almost dies.  And there are good and bad robots and the bad ones are fighting the good ones and are looking for this thing that the humans have and the thing does something but the bad guys get it but Shia almost dies and has some dream that shows him how to fix the matrix that he shoves into the dead good robot and then the good robots win?  Is that the jist?  I hope not.  I hope I'm too stupid to understand the plot, for the sake of everyone else that had to watch this fuckwaddery.
-The acting.  I like to think that I've seen some of these "actors" in other movies where they acted.  Why didn't they act in this one?  It really felt like an effort by the director to make sure they did nothing but make startled faces and run from place to place.
-Megan Fox.  I was aware, going in, that she has gotten even more hot and popular than she was when the first Transformers came out.  And I was aware that this one would capitalize on this fact by gratuitous Megan sexiness, and I'm okay with that.  What I'm not okay with is that her character a) sucks, more on that next, b) is not imperative to the plot, c) has no talking lines that contribute to the plot, and d) is not even the focus in most of the scenes.  Shit happens and she just runs after Shia looking aghast.  Not necessary.  That said, there needed to be much more gratuitous sexiness since it was obviously the only point of having her in the movie.  She's straddling a motorcycle in her opening scene and it goes down from there.  James said I'm wrong and it was way too gratuitous, so maybe my eyes were just glazed over by the end of this shit.  But considering her lack of usefulness in every other area, it's the least she could do was have a boob pop out when she's running instead of that ass-hat outfit of pants, high boots, and two layers of shirts.  Not provocative.
-Megan's Fox's character.  I didn't like her last time and fuck all didn't like her this time.  The "oh, she's so hot but she's a victim because she has no self-esteem and lets her boyfriend (in the first one) be mean to her and her life is hard because her dad is good guy but a criminal and she's really a good girl but a criminal and she's low class and has a tough shell but inside she's just a whore with a heart of gold" schtick is so ridiculously overplayed.  I know men probably enjoy this character for rescuing purposes and she wasn't there to be a strong role model for girls, but fuck all I'm done with that martyr bullshit.  Primarily because I blame hollywood for turning women into this caricature of "my daddy was mean to me and I let boys treat me bad because of it but really I'm a strong woman that doesn't need anybody except that I tell this to boys I date and use it as an excuse later be psychotic, demanding and irrational.  Emotional baggage is so much fun, totes!"  And also I'm probably bitter that boys fall for it.  It makes me think of James' brother excitedly telling us about his new girlfriend and how she's had such a hard life and he just wants to take care of her and blah blah blah.  It reeks of creepy ass emotional dependency.  And that scene where Shia is leaving for college and she surprises him in a white dress and bouquet of flowers, approximating a wedding and trying to get him to say he loves her?  It's the type of overeager entrapment that feels like one step away from accidentally on purpose getting pregnant with his baby. 
-The humor.  The following are either not funny at all or not funny in the hands of the director: mom eating a pot brownie at college, guy in speedo, robot humping megan's leg, any and all dialogue, the parents being easily weirded out by teenagers and the French as parents are wont to do, the robots' personalities.
-The two stereotypical ghetto black robots.  You know when you see Dumbo as a kid and you like it, and then see it later and go "Whoa those crows are fucking racist as shit"?  The robots remind me of the crows, except this is 2009 and it's depressing. 
-The aggressively patriotic, jingoistic, xenophobic attitude throughout the entire movie.  The parents act like ugly Americans and spit food onto a plate in France because it's escargot!  Snails = yucky!  Hilarious!  The good robots are American-made cars!  The bad guys are foreign and have scary German accents!  The president sends a nerdy smart guy to watch over the military, but duh!  Smart guys are all stupid and don't really know what's best for national security, only soldiers do.  They just walk around wearing glasses and talking a lot and disrespecting soldiers.  They aren't real men and they sure don't know what's best for America!  Good thing he's also stupid enough to fuck up the parachute and gets lost somewhere in Butt fuck, Egypt or thereabouts.  Who needs a guy like him?

God.  Please, nobody give money to go see this.  Given the lack of plot I don't know why it's stretched out to 2.5 hours, but I can assure you that it will seem like a much longer amount of time stolen from your life.

I have nothing good to say, so I give you hedgehogs and muscles.

Because it'd go like this:
"Hey, guys! Today we're going to make an awesome whiskey and coke glazed ham! Because I bought a big ass ham because it was on sale and sounded good! And I've never done the pop-glaze thing, so we'll see how it goes. So we're going to meticulously score the skin now, then because I'm lazy, I'm not measuring out any spices and I'm just going to sprinkle shit on it until it looks good. Then dump some pop and whiskey over the top. And some pop and whiskey for me. Okay, now brown sugar all over the top. And some brown sugar for me. And we put it in the oven for about 3 hours? I don't know, does that sound good? We'll just let it marinate until the afternoonish when I figure out when I want to eat.
[later]
"Well, off-stage-guy wants to eat at 7:00, so this will marinate until ...fuck! I'm not going to be here at 4:00! Okay, audience, no problem, we'll put it into the crock pot instead! Hey! So let's make a big ass mess and put it into the crock pot! Shit, the cover won't fit onto it in even The Biggest Crock Pot Ever Created (seriously I didn't know they were made this big for home use, until James got it for me for Christmas last year)! Okay, well I've decided I'm not going out today anyway because I'm sick of shoveling snow and my car is still stuck. So I'll just leave it there until later and bake it like I planned.
(later)
"Damn, the pan I planned on using is full of cake I made! Okay, well I'll just slice it and put it in Tupperware and clean out the pan. don't worry, folks, we're still making this goddamn ham. Shnikies! I forgot I'm out of aluminum foil! Okay, well never mind, let's do the crock pot thing even though it's later than I should be starting something in the crock pot. We'll put it on high, it'll work. Or not, I have pizza dough in the fridge too. So now what you do is really professionally hack off the top of this motherfucker whose skin you so carefully scored. Then shove those bits into the side of Queen Crock Pot and hope it's done in time. And that's how you make a ham. Thanks for watching today on Karell Can Cook! Join us next time where we'll find a use for that ricotta cheese that's been kicking around in the fridge for the last week. Maybe a calzone? Maybe a Karell Kreation! Who the fuck knows!"

Whoa, my first job where I get paid for a holiday off!

Okay, I'm in charge of Thanksgiving dessert and I've decided to make 2 desserts (because I'm a ham), one chocolatey, one more fruity. One lighter, one heavier. Because last year at Christmas I made a dense chocolate torte and people thought it was good but way too heavy. (Maybe people shouldn't serve dessert right after a bigass meal- just a thought. Does anyone else's family do this? My family always ate dinner then did our own thing and reconvened an hour or so later for dessert. James' is a sit and serve coffee and dessert as soon as the dinner plates are cleared kind of family. I'm not as much of a fan of this method.)
Anyway, so I chose 2 recipes that satisfy my need of lighter and heavier, of looks-pretty-foolproof so I can impress without worrying about fucking up or getting it messed up in transport, and of not-too-weird-but-still-original because given the opportunity I'm just not the type to make something plain that someone's seen before.
The two recipes are under the cut- Chocolate Zucchini cake and Apple Cranberry Crumble pie.
Opinions please on whether they sound tasty and whether the recipes look solid?
( Read more... )

5 Best Work Habits

-Spread positive energy. Start viewing issues or tasks as personal challenges rather than problems. This raises the potential for good results and more pleasure achieving them.
Leave gossip and complaints out of your dialogue - your upbeat attitude can be contagious and make a difference in everyone's productivity.
-Plan, plan, plan. If you don't, the day may take you anywhere, possibly where you don't want to go. Planning directs your energy toward the most appropriate activities and better use of your time.
-List your plans and must-do tasks for the next day or week, then mark off items as you get them done. Seeing what you've accomplished can keep you motivated.
-Clear the clutter. Removing distractions can improve your focus. Streamline and organize procedures as much as possible. Keep equipment running smoothly to stay on track.
Make your workspace as comfy as possible. Surround yourself with pictures of family or a relaxing scene or add music to elevate your mood.
-Put off procrastination. Difficult or boring activities are tempting to bypass but delays may add work and create stress for you. Get motivated by completing one small piece of the task - such as an email or outline. Keep the end goal in mind.
Besides, checking chores off your to-do list feels good and lets you move on to the activities you enjoy most.
-Stay connected. Keep the lines of communication open to co-workers [Teachers] nearby and in other locations. Our modern means of communication allows us to easily stay in touch and let others know we're available.
Keep email and phone calls brief and learn to judge when face-to-face contact may save time.

CSR, on speakerphone: And where would you like this order shipped?
Secretary: 123 Main St.*, Los Alamos, New Mexico.
CSR : We don't ship out of the country.
Secretary: That's fine, but this address is in the country.
CSR : No, you said to ship it to New Mexico.
Secretary: Yes, New Mexico is a state in the US.
CSR : Sorry, but we can't ship out of the US.
Secretary: Do you have a supervisor I can talk to, please?
[Long pause.]
CSR supervisor: This is Tim. Can I help you?
Secretary: I hope so, Tim. Your employee doesn't seem to understand that New Mexico is a state in the United States, and so refuses to ship me your product.
Supervisor: Well, that's true. We can't ship out of the country. I'm sorry ma'am.
Secretary, raising her voice a little: Have you never even heard of the state of New Mexico? It's one of the big, square ones? It's right between Texas and Arizona? It's one of the 50 United States?
Supervisor: I'm sorry, it's just our policy not to ship out of the US.
Secretary: Tim, let me get this straight. Your company is going to lose a $14,000 order because the people in your customer service department are too moronic to know or comprehend that the state of New Mexico is a part of the United States?
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am. That's our policy.
Secretary, completely exasperated: Well, I guess there's nothing more to be said, is there?
Supervisor: No, ma'am. Have a nice day.

http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/006960.html

I have to write a 500 word essay explaining what plagiarism is. I'm 600 words in and haven't even breached the actual subject yet. Oh well, maybe some points for creativity and colorful language? Saved here for easy access when I go home in 18 minutes.
( Read more... )

The yin and yang of trailer trash- one black, one white, one snapping her gum, one loudly chewing and spitting sunflower seeds on the floor. A harmonious union of hairspray, beer-bellies, and matching T-shirts advertising a show in Las Vegas- some aging, once-okay artist tearing it up for one last tour of grandiose mediocrity- with glitter!
They both glare and inform me that the guy had written up the ticket wrong. He rounded a 13.5 down to 13. I could have informed them that the scale always measures more because of they tare before they put the basket on -it's just easier, ma'am, and "tare" means "set to zero" basically- and just deduct the weight on the ticket. But perhaps it was their combined girth of 700 poundsish, putting my as-of-last-few-months-pudginess to shame, or the feeling I got that a woman who would spit on a floor wouldn't be above doing whatever it is she may do, or my sympathy that if my ass were eating my pants to the extent the twins' pants were I'd also be irritable enough to be that rude, but I calculated out what the difference in payment would be and paid them. 13 1/2 cents.
I rounded down.

sucks.
That was my opinion before the Olympics and it hasn't changed much since. Who's fucking idea was it to have the Olympics there? Actually, it may have been a good idea because it brings people's attention to the fact that China sucks. A lot of advertisers are losing money, purportedly because of all the shit happening in China, and some are pulling out.
In general, I don't give half a shit about the Winter Olympics and even less for the Summer, but this year I'm interested in the politics of it- two jingoist evil empires battling for the rest of the world's soul (or at least their economic and natural resources). I don't like America, or at least the current administration, and I don't really want the Olympics to give us a false sense of pride in our country, distract us from our shit economy and the war breaking out in Georgia and excuse our idiot head cheese from working because exchanging pleasantries with the China president somehow makes his month-long Eastern excursion into some sort of business trip.
But China seriously sucks.
Allowing China to be in charge of this event is like letting a sixteen year-old plan her own birthday party with an unlimited budget and an MTV camera crew. Sure it's important they're involved in something for which they're the star attraction, but them being in charge ensures the Olympics are created for the lowest common denominator- namely, their own country. The Chinese may not care that a 7 year old girl had a good voice but wasn't cute enough to perform and someone else lip-synched the anthem, or that nothing about the Olympics can be released until the Chinese government consents it, including all games being on a delay, meaning that the government is able to digitally add fireworks to the opening games and bar release of replay for events which China has lost (such as women's basketball). But godamnit, just because China is used to this over-controlling bullshit shouldn't mean the rest of the world should just sit back and accept every house rule. They're overcompensating trying to prove that they're "good guys" with an amazing, perfect country and they're just showing that all our suspicions are founded. They would convince me more if they tried impressing me less.
Furthermore, China is going to overtake/has overtaken the US as the dominant power in the world. Partially because they've risen as a power and mostly, I think, because America has sunk so low. So, though I don't care much for giving Bush a reason to jerk off on an international stage, shaking hands with all our medalists like he actually had something to do with their athletic prowess, I DO want the US to kick China's censoring, torturing, lying asses. I also don't like that China's basic strategy for winning the medal count this year was by essentially buying the medals with bodies- by inundating the Olympics with SO MANY people, they figured the odds were better they would win by sheer volume and basically cement the fact that they are the new world power (They are, or will be. I'm not arguing this.). So I'm very happy the US is winning in the medal count. Our fatass country of instant-gratification and free will to make our own dumbass choices is beating this regimented country who emphasizes physical perfection as an indication of internal perfection and the greater good! Which is, by the way, pretty much the Nazi belief too, and of course if none of my arguments manage to wow my audience the ol comparing my opponent to Hitler trick always works. So anyway, we're the underdogs here, kinda. And I love an underdog (Raiders, Vikings, Kings, Suns, Islanders, Cubs, Twins, where does it end?!?).
So this is my opinion and this is why I'm very happy to see the US ahead in the medal count so far. If anyone has any arguments or anything to add, I'd love to hear them since I know this isn't the most thought-out rant in the world.

Start raining again....

I forgot I posted that.

DDDDDDDDDDrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

Really, truly, one of the best Superbowls I've ever watched.
I thought I'd write more, but that's good for now.

1. Leave me a casual comment of no particular significance, like a lyric to your current favorite song, or your favorite kind of sandwich, maybe your favorite game. Any remark, meaningless or not.
2. I will respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in your own post.
5. When others respond with a desultory comment, you will ask them five questions.

Jean's questions to moi:
1. Favorite sex position? That's right, I asked it.
I don't know why I don't want it to be, but when I'm honest with myself it's definitely doggy style. It's just the easiest to come, requires minimal effort on both, and has just the right amount of dirtiness.

2. If you could take any class (in existence or not), what would it be?
Maybe a writing class by Chuck Palahniuk. Or actually, I'd love to take a sexing class. Haha. I meant sewing. I just saw what I wrote. No comment.

3. What is your favorite book?
God. I pick up The Great Gatsby the most often, but there are plenty of books I read often and there are plenty of books that I can't stop telling people about and there are plenty of books that have just changed my entire fucking world. The Fountainhead, High Fidelity, Invisible Monsters, Confederacy of Dunces, American Gods, Kitchen Confidential, and Sun Tsu's Art of War, to name a few.

4. What is your favorite scent?
You say "scent" which I will interpret as colognes/perfumes. James wears Polo, which I love. I like Still and Bath and Body Works' Peony and Mango Mandarin. Smells would include roses, rain, the ocean, basil, money, amaretto, and how James smells in the morning.

5. What band past or present or whatever, would you kill to see in concert, but can't ever because they're broken up/members are dead/etc.?
I would kill to have seen Nat King Cole or Ella Fitzgerald. My dad had a chance to see Jimi Hendrix but declined to hang out with his girlfriend instead. That kills me, but I don't think I'd like seeing him in concert because I don't think I'd like the audience. But Led Zeppelin and Glassjaw, too. To be honest, Glassjaw was my first choice but there's still a chance they'll do another show so I don't totally know if they count.